Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Politics and Religion

Yes, I am doing a live show again.  September 27 at the Electric Lodge in Venice.  Here is a little video of us getting ready for it.  Enjoy!

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Corporate Cyborg

People is all confused about whether corporations are people. They have the rights of people but they do not have the body parts, which is why I prefer to call them cyborgs - a person with parts that are both human (your workers) and artificial or mechanical (all the rest including and especially the part where the heart has been removed as a vestigial organ like the appendix). It wouldn't be so bad, but the cyborg corps whose only ethics is money also control all the money. This is why I am firmly on the side of whoever is trying to take your money from corporate hands and put it into human hands. A girl's gotta live. And even I cannot seduce a cyborg if it has no sexual equipment. A cyborg is never gonna give a girl a diamond ring just for going out to dinner and dancing a few times. No. We need to get the cyborgs out of politics, otherwise life will become bleak and sad, like those science fiction stories where the machines made by people revolt against their creators and reduce human life to misery. Oh wait. That already happened for most people. And the poor saps, they is judging themselves by the standards of corporate life instead of messy-but-wonderful human life, and so they is unable to even see how they has been had. As an antidote, here is a link to the latest Stephen Colbert Super Pac video to cheer you up and give you some perspective. Then go get your nails done. Male or female, a manicure reminds you how good it is to be human.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Sweater Vest As Sexual Signal

Sweater vests on a male are your essential "neuter" signal. Not your gay signal, though yours truly has know many of the asexual type of male for whom breasts do not brighten the world and who really just can't let himself know he's attracted to other males. So he is attracted to nobody. No. The sweater vest, in swaddling the penis analogue called a tie in a kind of cocoon, works as a sort of male chastity belt. I have talked about the tie before and youse can watch a video where I answer a question about it below. Suffice to say that this is also the kind of person made nervous by the naked body in art, and might want to cover up the generous breasts of Justice like your US Attorney General John Ashcroft did when he was in office. Now Ashcroft, he was not a sweater vest guy, but a three-piece suit guy, which is a whole different can of worms. Your suit vest is not warm and fuzzy, but tight and tailored. It also speaks of controlled sexual urges, but they are more often kinda kinky and need the vest to keep that bad boy down. So with Ashcroft, he prolly had to put the clothing on the giant marble Justice statue to keep himself from getting an erection on his way to the office. A sweater-vester like Santorum would just tsk as he walked by and want to cover the twins up so they didn't leak all over his nice clean shirt. video

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Claire Live Video: Past Lives Q&A

Three days into January and resolutions are vanishing like they never was. You can always blame it on Karma... you can blame everything on Karma. Plus, if you had past lives that you get to improve on in this life, then it goes to show you can put off to the next one all that stuff you resolved to work on in 2012. Karma is certainly a handy thing to believe in for some folks. Here's the thoughts of yours truly on past lives in a clip from one of the InsomniActs Cabaret shows...

Monday, January 02, 2012

CHRISTMAS PAST

I'm back. A girl needs to get away every now and then and Christmas is a great time to do it. People is so busy shopping, they don't notice that suddenly you ain't returning their phone calls because who has time to call in the first place? And what with family gatherings that simultaneously turn you into a child again and add gray hairs to your beehive, you can't disappear too completely if you ask me.

Some of you may be surprised that a girl like I who loves getting presents would vanish at the gift apex of the year. But this is the time of year for exchanging gifts, not simply opening up yours and giving the giver the gift of gratitude in the form of squeals of delight and swoons of admiration. Christmas you have to reciprocate, so instead I go to the beach.

Sunday, January 01, 2012

FOUR RULES TO LIVE BY

ONLY THE COOK GETS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE FOOD.

For most of the history of your human race, the big question for most of the aforementioned humans themselves was not what but whether they was going to eat today. Today now being 2009, the problem is not starvation but obesity. Not eating much because you don't really like eggs or burnt edges on the toast won't kill you. It'd prob'ly be good for you to cut back a bit. Whereas always complaining leads to a host of illnesses and a shorter life. Shorter and less fun. So stop it. Stop it right now. Just smile, thank whoever cooked it for you so's you could play computer games until food was on the table, say it's just terrific, and eat. With your mouth closed.

ONE SLICES, THE OTHER CHOOSES.

Mothers invented this basic rule to insure fairness in dealings between siblings. And since we is all descended from the same village of 1200 people according to the latest DNA research, we all of us is just a family of kids squabbling over the chocolate cake. So, whether we're talking the office workload or contracts in Iraq, the surest way to keep it fair is to let one party divide it, and the other decide who gets which half.

NOT EVERYBODY LIKES GRAVY.

I'm sure you're a very nice person, but you have no place to think outside your own head. Nobody does. No matter how smart you are, the world is not really the way you see it. Other people have a different idea of what is good, and while you may be tempted to say they are nuts for picketing a)Wall Street b)Planned Parenthood c)the local grocery, that temptation is being held out to you by the little guy in the red suit and horns hovering over your left shoulder and whispering in your ear. As the old saying goes, there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything, and the wrong way is to try to get everybody to do things the 'right' way.

A LITTLE DESSERT NOW AND THEN CAN'T HURT.

Guilt is good but not always appropriate. Most people who feel guilty about how they live their life are not the ones eating a Meat Lovers Pizza with a six-pack of Bud followed by a bag of Oreos buried under a quart of Rocky Road while watching porn and gambling on the internet. Sadly, many do not even begin to indulge their sweet tooth or fantasy life, so afraid they are of sinking into the hedonic swamp. This desert of worst-case-worrying that keeps you from healthy pleasures is just as sick as the opposite overindulgence to the point of diabetes of the soul. If guilt is keeping you from fun, sometimes you gotta lock guilt in the bathroom with the litter box and enjoy a little Cherries Jubilee, if you catch my drift.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

SPARKLY THINGS

I love shopping malls. Malls is America, don'cha know, especially now that they got not only the big stores, but those little booths outside. Very democratic. Big enterprise and small trying to catch the eye of women and their purses.

I feel so connected to the whole of humanity in a mall. It's every marketplace throughout the history of civilization, said history really being just the history of shopping made to look like the males was doing something more than making pretty things and places to attract women.

Anyway, I was outside Bloomingdales at the Century City mall, sitting in the sun and sipping a cup of coffee with a friend. The little booth across from us was twinkling with sparkly accessories: hair clips, pins, earrings, buttons, purses. You name it - it had rhinestones all over it. Many people say your flashy is trashy, but those people is just repressed, or worse, trying to prove we humans ain't animals when you scratch the surface of your cerebral cortex.

Descartes, he only got it half right when he said "I think therefore I am." He shoulda said, "I think therefore I am not doing anything important right now." The thinking part is pretty new, and while your higher human brain activities like compassion, using the subjunctive tense, and conceptualizing quantum entanglement are nifty, they are resting on the older mammal brain with its mysteries of your mommy love and your sense of humor, which anybody who has played with a dog knows is pretty well developed in your four-legged friends.

This Mammal Brain in turn is sitting on top of the Reptile Brain that really runs the show. Marketers know this, which explains the success of campaigns offering more food as in Super Sizing and implied sex as in girls as naked as TV will allow sucking beer right from the bottle. So long as Reptile Brain is active, Human Brain is dissolved into that great pool on being that your zen masters spend a lifetime trying to find with only the poor cortex, them not wanting to ride their mental crocodile to bliss 'cuz it has a habit of turning on you and then you'd never be able to come up for air and think like Descartes again.

Which brings us back to sparkles. Your human eye has both rods and cones. Cones is where we see color. They need a lot of light to work and are grouped more in the middle of the eye. Rod only tell black from white, but they are much more sensitive to light and motion, and are more concentrated around the edges. Not only that, your rods are hooked right into your Reptile Brain.

So a movement out the corner of your eye grabs your attention no matter what the Descartes part of the brain is thinking. And every girl in rhinestones knows (as well as some boys who want to appeal to boys and so wear, say, a set of keys hooked to flash and dangle outside their pocket...) that motion and flash are the way to make a man's reptile self turn his head and look with his reptile eyes.

And while he's looking with his reptile eyes, he might just notice how sexy she is and fall in love. He don't know what made him turn his head at the exact moment She was walking by. He figures Kismet, Fate, Destiny. But she knows the real cause. Rhinestones.