FRENCH KISS

Your Republicans and mine is trying to insult Kerry by saying he looks French. Apparently, lots of people don't like the French. Mostly because the French make them uncomfortable. The French have style. They like fancy food. They pay attention to beauty in fashion, in art, in women. And the French feel just as good about themselves as we do without being a superpower. But the problem is not the French. The problem is we.

I love your big, born-rich bubbas as much as the next girl who has expenses, but they are starting to act like the world is supposed to adore them, instead of understanding that wealth is just a way to get girls to tolerate your company.

Your Freud, he pointed out that human (which for him meant male) psychology was all sex and death. That's it. Fortunately for civilization, sex mostly involves women, and for women, it ain't about death so much as life, preferably with a house, garden, and nice clothes designed by one of those French couturiers. If a man wants sex with her, he has to civilize himself first.

But if you take the sex off the man's plate, he's got nothing left but death to keep his testosterone levels up. He'll just have to have a war. You see? Your male is not someone to be left in charge without the restraining influence of females who know what an hourglass figure is for.

This is why I blame the mothers and wives of the Administration for the mess we are in. These women shut sex up in the Bible and use it to banish Lust from Love. The males is raised to believe they can do anything and get away with it, except for those nasty sex things their mammas disapprove of. This is like telling somebody they can live at Disneyland but can't go on any of the rides. It leads to terrible frustration and displacement, kind of like a bonsai, only with character.

Then, like most boys, these males marry gals just like their mammas, which means women who dress mousy, purse their lips even when they kiss, and shake their fingers at him if he has any fun in a libido kind of way.

But Lust doesn't evaporate. It is a Force of Human Nature, and so it finds a new partner in Power, especially the Power of Life and Death. Hence we have got the mess in Iraq. The only problem with War Lust is there is no orgasm, and so you got to just keep at it or you're left with nothing. This is why the war on terrorism will never have an end. Any more than the war on drugs. The only time this nation rose up against war was in the era of Free Love in the Sixties. This was not accident. Eros kidnaps Psyche, after all, not the other way around. This is why the Attorney General spent $5000 to cover the marble boobs of Lady Justice.

Not the French. There are naked statues all over Paris, and folks actually look at them. French lingerie is expensive and exquisite, which shows that your French man puts his money where his mouth is. They knew this war was about a tortured Administration needing to get its rocks off in the only way left open. War.

Your cynics, they say the French did not go to war in Iraq because of oil. Different cynics say the US is at war because of oil. One side shouts terrorism. One side shouts profiteers. I say cynicism is glaucoma of the mind.

Your French people, they figure that pretty much everybody has sex. They show nakedness on TV and movies more then they show violence. They even talk about it in the broad daylight, seductive talk being good practice for diplomacy and hence the reputation that French is your language of diplomacy.

Whereas in the US, since you can't talk about sex, you get a lot of violent action that sneers at thinking or talking. You blow things up in the movies and in video games. You show fake reality competitions full of humiliation of losers all over the television. And when the mighty do speak, they don't talk about senstivity and nuance. They talk about smart bombs, and surgical strikes, and Shock and Awe to arouse the masses to the lofty conquest over evil.

This Administration vowed to return integrity to the White house, and they really do believe killing an Iraqi wedding party during war is much less obscene than a bit of fellatio between friends. War is the only acceptable aphrodisiac, and sure, they do actually have to send Americans to die, but not big mamma's rich boys. No, they stay home while kids from Eau Claire (French for Bright Water) Wisconsin actually do the dying.