Friday, March 25, 2005


The courts in England have cleared the way for a reporter there to sue Arnold for for fondling her breasts without permission or interest and then defaming her when she complained.

This answers the question why Arnold, with all his fame and success and wealth, wanted to be governor. The capitol dome. What does the shape remind you of? A breast. And he wants to be the # 1 male in possession of the largest breast-surrogate in the state so's he can pinch it (read tighten the budget) as hard as he wants and laugh when it's over and nobody can say, "Boo!"

I previously spoke last October about the advent of civilization coming as it did when the human female stopped going into heat and so she needed to be wooed before she would say 'yes' to sex with a male. Your male working for status is dreaming of a woman's breasts, building temples to ostensibly male gods but showing his true worship with those size DD cupolas, and generally wanting to be able to reach out and touch a fertile field for his seed. And your female's JOB is to say, 'no' until he's shaved, showered and put down the toilet seat.

This is a test for seed-worthiness that even your lemurs understand. The lemur males fight for status, and some are particularly bloodthirsty and cruel. They rise to the top of the male pecking order to be first in line when the females are feeling peckish. But wait! A female comes into heat, and she does not pick the Terminator to father her children even though he is first in line. She has watched his berserker ways and is not interested in having him practice on her or her kids on those cold winter nights in the trailer park. No way. It don't matter to her how many guys at the gym he's humiliated and bullied but who still say, "What a great guy!" She picks a male with a combination of muscle and compassion, maybe number four or five.

Unlike with humans, a female mammal in heat also knows that Mother Nature herself protects her by pumping the male's brain full of slavish devotion hormones for the duration. He can ask, but he can't force. She can walk right by Mr. Universe to go home with Mr. Nice Guy, and if he tries to tweak her teat, she can rip his eyes out, and he won't be able to defend himself. I love Mother Nature. But I suppose the legal system will do in a pinch.

Monday, January 17, 2005


I went to an art opening with a friend. My friend is an artist, so she don't have no money, and I guess she wanted to fill up on the free drinks and mixed nuts. She also thinks I need more cultural activities, fashion being shallow and art where you stand around looking at things you don't understand with people wearing intentionally bad haircuts being deep.

The gallery was called RAID and right inside the door was the first installation. It was a wall of pictures cut out of magazines of that girl from Sex in the City. Years worth ot fashion magazine and celebrity magazine pictures. Apparently this artist buys celebrity picture collections on Ebay and then instead of pasting them on the wall of her bedroom like the girl selling them prob'ly did, she put them on the wall of a gallery and made it art.

Next to it were several wall size portraits of beautiful women. Like a fashion magazine cover. Next to that was a series of men in drag, aiming for that look that comes naturally to a girl like I. I turned to my friend and pointed out her art was imitating me.

So we had a few dry roasted nuts on our way into an installation room painted all pink and gold and baby blue and saw the cutest unicorn except that it had Owen Wilson's face. Its intestines were filled with doll funiture and it was surrounded by cuddly-looking space aliens doing Munch's scream. My guess is the artist's mother never let her play with Barbie dolls, Barbie and her clothing being shallow. Still, being an artist is as good a way to deal with such childhood trauma as psychotherapy, and if you don't make money at it, at least it don't cost $250 an hour.

The unicorn, by the way, the one with Owen Wilson's face, it costs $5000, if you're interested. You probably can't take it home till the show's over, though.