Saturday, November 13, 2004


So imagine you're a Japanese teenager going to college in the US. It's Veterans' Day and you spend your holiday spending on Melrose Avenue. Melrose is famous, so when you go intoThe Melrose Gift Collection and see a Chrome Hearts silver necklace just like the Japanese pop stars wear for a price you can actually afford (in the hundreds, not the thousands), you get excited. It's in a shop on Melrose for Pete's sake, so it must be real. You and your friends buy 4 of the exclusive stash of 8 the saleslady says she has. She shows you a picture of herself and the pop star, Hamasaki Ayumi. You are in Nihon heaven.

Later, over latte, you notice you a mistake on one of the totals. You go back, and see more than twenty Chrome Hearts necklaces now on display. Having gotten your education in Japan, you are good with addition and subtraction, and so you are pretty confident that eight minus four does not equal twenty. Either math is different in the US or those Chrome Hearts pendants are knock-offs and you and your pals have just been had for over a thousand dollars.

An American friend tries to get you a refund, but small shops are exempt from the refund laws. She checks with Chrome Hearts itself, just to make sure, and the director of sales confirms the sad facts - you bought phony jewelry.

Now, I'm a sweet-tempered girl, but this has me mad. Lying and cheating about oil and taxes and cronyism is one thing. Lying about jewelry strikes at the heart of civilization.

This is where you, the real you, comes in. I'm the beauty; you're the brains. Give me some ideas at how to strike a blow for Truth, Justice and the American Way of the Consumer.

Friday, August 13, 2004


Your Republicans and mine is trying to insult Kerry by saying he looks French. Apparently, lots of people don't like the French. Mostly because the French make them uncomfortable. The French have style. They like fancy food. They pay attention to beauty in fashion, in art, in women. And the French feel just as good about themselves as we do without being a superpower. But the problem is not the French. The problem is we.

I love your big, born-rich bubbas as much as the next girl who has expenses, but they are starting to act like the world is supposed to adore them, instead of understanding that wealth is just a way to get girls to tolerate your company.

Your Freud, he pointed out that human (which for him meant male) psychology was all sex and death. That's it. Fortunately for civilization, sex mostly involves women, and for women, it ain't about death so much as life, preferably with a house, garden, and nice clothes designed by one of those French couturiers. If a man wants sex with her, he has to civilize himself first.

But if you take the sex off the man's plate, he's got nothing left but death to keep his testosterone levels up. He'll just have to have a war. You see? Your male is not someone to be left in charge without the restraining influence of females who know what an hourglass figure is for.

This is why I blame the mothers and wives of the Administration for the mess we are in. These women shut sex up in the Bible and use it to banish Lust from Love. The males is raised to believe they can do anything and get away with it, except for those nasty sex things their mammas disapprove of. This is like telling somebody they can live at Disneyland but can't go on any of the rides. It leads to terrible frustration and displacement, kind of like a bonsai, only with character.

Then, like most boys, these males marry gals just like their mammas, which means women who dress mousy, purse their lips even when they kiss, and shake their fingers at him if he has any fun in a libido kind of way.

But Lust doesn't evaporate. It is a Force of Human Nature, and so it finds a new partner in Power, especially the Power of Life and Death. Hence we have got the mess in Iraq. The only problem with War Lust is there is no orgasm, and so you got to just keep at it or you're left with nothing. This is why the war on terrorism will never have an end. Any more than the war on drugs. The only time this nation rose up against war was in the era of Free Love in the Sixties. This was not accident. Eros kidnaps Psyche, after all, not the other way around. This is why the Attorney General spent $5000 to cover the marble boobs of Lady Justice.

Not the French. There are naked statues all over Paris, and folks actually look at them. French lingerie is expensive and exquisite, which shows that your French man puts his money where his mouth is. They knew this war was about a tortured Administration needing to get its rocks off in the only way left open. War.

Your cynics, they say the French did not go to war in Iraq because of oil. Different cynics say the US is at war because of oil. One side shouts terrorism. One side shouts profiteers. I say cynicism is glaucoma of the mind.

Your French people, they figure that pretty much everybody has sex. They show nakedness on TV and movies more then they show violence. They even talk about it in the broad daylight, seductive talk being good practice for diplomacy and hence the reputation that French is your language of diplomacy.

Whereas in the US, since you can't talk about sex, you get a lot of violent action that sneers at thinking or talking. You blow things up in the movies and in video games. You show fake reality competitions full of humiliation of losers all over the television. And when the mighty do speak, they don't talk about senstivity and nuance. They talk about smart bombs, and surgical strikes, and Shock and Awe to arouse the masses to the lofty conquest over evil.

This Administration vowed to return integrity to the White house, and they really do believe killing an Iraqi wedding party during war is much less obscene than a bit of fellatio between friends. War is the only acceptable aphrodisiac, and sure, they do actually have to send Americans to die, but not big mamma's rich boys. No, they stay home while kids from Eau Claire (French for Bright Water) Wisconsin actually do the dying.

Friday, July 23, 2004


Your Democrats in California is all huffy and high-horse about the Governor calling the legislature a buncha "girlie men." But huffy and high-horse is a very girlie response. A manly response is to duke it out, mano a machine gun.

Governor Mr. Universe, he knows about squashing the opposition, and if it was only guys like him in charge of the world, we wouldn't have no civilization. And me, I like having laws and public works like roads and indoor plumbing and places like Paris. Paris is definitely got a girlie side.

Civilization, after all, is a very girlie thing. You know, talking instead of hitting. Sharing instead of enslaving. Making things beautiful instead of bombing them back to the Stone Age. Trying to take care of the whole family, even the cousins who spend a lot of time freeloading in state institutions.

People who say that the tough guys made this world are teenage-minded adults who watch too many movies made by teenage-minded adults. Even your big hulking Mr. Universes, who tear through their competitors like so much raw meat, they know they can only go so far before women start wrinkling their noses at them and going home with someone nicer who bathes. And maybe uses hair gel.

What's an Ex-Terminator to do? He can insult the 'girlie men' all he wants, but if he wants to attract female attention he better be breathtakingly rich. It takes very expensive presents to overcome the smell. And sooner or later, the girl of his dreams is gonna get him to bathe. And maybe use hair gel. And drink latte'. And then, as he learns bit by bit to compromise, his worst nightmare comes true. He's turned into a 'girlie man' himself!

Girlie power has beaten Mr. Universe. Just look at the California Legislature. Arnold can whine, he can hurl insults, but sooner or later, he'll come with hat in hand, like a cat with a dead mouse. He don't eat the mouse, even though he would enjoy crunching its bones. He lays it at the girlie's doorstep in hope that he will be given a saucer of cream in milady's boudoir. Civilization wins again.

Friday, July 09, 2004


The righteous John Ashcroft, the son and grandson of preachers and a devout Assembly of God follower himself, had to testify before Congress today about that pesky torture memo.

Not one of those Senators apologized for doubting that he could separate his religious beliefs from his official duties. Yet if that memo isn't proof that he can, I don't know what is. There he was, as Christian as they make them in his church, a man Jesus probably talks to personally, who when his President asks him to figure out how much torture the US can get away with and still be legal, he does not cite chapter and verse about turning the other cheek. He does not tell the President or the American people to look for the plank in their own eyes. No. He puts aside his Savior's bleeding heart and has his staff figure out justifications for physical and psychological torture.

This is a man who knows how to separate his beliefs from his job. When you have a guy like that on the job, you don't need a Constitution.

P.S. Just to show I ain't biased, I will say I disagree with him on covering the boobs of Justice in his Department of Justice. Clothes is not really to cover nakedness. And clothes is not even really to keep us warm except in winter. Clothes is there to make nakedness more interesting in the Department of Hanky-Panky. The boobs of Justice should not be something tyou think about stripping and kissing. Not to mention, a playful bite on the nipple when they're made out of marble might break a tooth.

Monday, June 21, 2004


It being a perfect June day here in Lost Angeles, I went shopping in Century City which is an outdoor shopping mall so that a girl can enjoy Nature and Commerce at the same time.

At Victoria's Secret, in the shop window and around the store, were the cutest pink polka-dot dogs you ever saw. Well, I talked to the saleslady about what would happen to the pups when they changed the display case. I was thinking I might adopt. She went and got the manager.

The manager of Victoria's Secret was young and dark and sort-of hip, you know with the greasy hair look that 's popular with the sort-of hip. Although I'm sure his manners are successful with young women who are insecure and trying to get male approval with how they look, he sure didn't know how to talk to a woman like myself who understands that all of civilization is just a construct of your males to give them more chances to have contact with women. In a perfect world, this young buck would hope to have a girl like I just say hello to him. But things is topsy-turvy right now, and his manners have not been honed by female indifference, and so he didn't even let me get a word out. He scowled. He sighed. He knew he was important, and I was not. If this keeps up, civilization is going the way of the Edsel.

Anyway he told me, and not even with regret, that when the displays changed, those dogs would be destroyed and thrown in the trash. Destroyed! Can you believe that? You could tell he was looking forward to doing it himelf. Your sort-of hip people do not like 'cute' even if they do have to put up with it working in Victoria's Secret. The customers who do, lured in by canine cuteness, would not be happy to imagine those dolls just smashed and trashed.

I know they are his property and he can do what he wants, but many people feel the same way about their living dogs. It's mine and I can abuse it any way I want. It is not so big a step from pink polka-dot to dalmation as you would think. Cruella D'Evil would be proud of Victoria's Secret. She's prob'ly on the board of directors

A humane business would be grateful for the chance to dispose of their promotional dogs humanely. A civilized manager would not enjoy denying a customer anything. A promotion-seeking company would donate the dogs to a children's hospital, or coordinate a cute adoption event alongside some animal rescue organization. Or just let people come on the day the display changes to pick them up and give them a good home. But no. Into the dumpster with the doggies. It's may not be a crime, but it's a shame.

Friday, April 02, 2004


Everybody can breathe a sigh of relief. The President and the Vice President will testify after all. Naturally they will not be under oath. Swearing to tell the truth would not be going with their strengths. And what this nation needs in a time of war is a strong President. Lucky for him there's a war.

Still, he's going to have to explain himself to the 9/11 commission and come up with all kinds of reasons why he was so worried about Saddam and not at all worried about terrorism before the World Trade Center and Pentagon was hit. Your New York Times columnist says it's no big deal, he don't even listen to the hearings. 9/11, according to him, was a failure of imagination, not of intelligence.

Maybe he should help the administration out in the imagination department. A man who don't need to actually listen to testimony to pass judgement has got enough imagination for twelve angry men. He could share.

Then again, I don't think that President Bush is lacking in imagination. I mean, all those weapons of mass destruction were imaginary. Saddam being ready to launch mass murder with 45 minutes warning was more fantasy than fact. And all the little lies they tell every day, what are they but the made up stuff of dreamers and despots?

Those little lies are probably why the President won't testify under oath. It's not that he plans to prevaricate. It's just that he's so used to being able to make it up as he goes that he can't be sure a few fabrications won't slip out. And then he'd have to explain the meaning of the word 'is' or 'crusade' and he just don't have the time what with all the fundraising he's got to do. It could get way too messy and distract the nation from the important business of getting him

Friday, March 26, 2004


I went to hear Al Franken talk about his new book. You know, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. In the book, he exposes all these big lies by Bush & Co., by Fox News, and other right-wing Republicans. He kept going on last night about how confused he was that these people could say such whoppers with a straight face, much less righteous indignation. He clearly don't understand quantum politics which shows that a statement exists as both fact and fiction simultaneously. Don't believe me on this. Schrodinger was a famous physicist who may or may not have killed his cat and thus made quantum phenomena understandable to your average pet owner.

What Schrodinger explained was that, until you check, a 'fact' is both THE TRUTH and A LIE, because you can't know which as long as the box stays closed. You can pick the position that makes you happy to believe in and maintain your integrity. But, just like Pandora, you must not open the box.

And if you wait long enough, it might not matter. See, Franken even came close to getting this when he mentioned how Arnold told the press that he would explain the groping stuff after the election. Well now it's after the election, and nobody cares because it's OLD NEWS. So the cat don't never have to be let out of the box.

Now, if you check, like Franken did in his book, okay, so the probabilities collapse into cold hard realities. Still, lots and lots of things that the Republican Machine says turn out to be true! ("Good morning," for example. Or, "I'm happy to see you.")

He focuses in his book on the stuff that turns out to be lies. (Bush said that in his tax cut, "the vast majority of the help goes to the people at the bottom end of the economic ladder." )

But I still say you can't blame them. Nobody can know if what they say are lies until somebody checks! It ain't the President's or Fox News' fault for understanding this aspect of quantum politics and stating whatever they want to be true as gospel. Maybe by the time somebody opens the box, it will be. Ya never know.

Monday, March 15, 2004


There's a book by Michael Gurian that came out called What Could He Be Thinking. Twenty years of neurobiological research, and what do they find? Men get a massive dose of the "I love you" drug shot into their bloodstream right after they come. Sex and no cigar means no cuddly feelings. One spritz begets the other.

Us girls, on the other hand, get ours from just the rubbing of bodies. No orgasm necessary. I just like to cuddle.

And this is news in science.

There's more. The guy spritz is short lived. A few hours and his body chemistry is back to normal. No special feeling of closeness until the next time. Gals get a higher dose of attachment drugs that last for days. Biochemistry is making her yearn for his company morning, noon and night. Such a gal is not crowding her lover, she is being driven by Mother Nature's 100% organic brand of Ecstasy to crave his company.

Why don't we both get the same juice in the same amount so that perfect love can thrive? Why, you ask, should Mother Nature be so unequal in her chemistry? Mother Nature is wise, and having created your male to go to work to provide for gals, she's not going to undo her own design by making him too moony to maraud on his beloved's behalf. And your female, having gotten what she wanted from her tryst, she needs some extra encouragement to stick around and wait for the boob. I mean, she could go out and get another guy while he's hunting buffalo, sexy and available as she is. But no, she's got this drug in her that makes her want him and only him. And so we have, if not equality, a kind of balance.

Friday, March 12, 2004


All the hoo-hah this week over President George using footage from September 11 in his campaign videos, you'd think he was doing something wrong like taking advantage of somebody else's tragedy for his own purposes. But he's the head of state, and a king from another great dynasty said it best (if you'll forgive me for quoting the French in the President's behalf) - "L'etat c'est moi" meaning "I am the country." The same thing applies today to our beloved President George. He is America, and 9/11 happened to America, so 9/11 is his tragedy to use as he likes. See?

And, likewise,enough with the wondering about how he could use 9/11 to attack Iraq when there was no connection between Al Qaeda and Saddam. You is looking for a causal connection, silly. Cause means logic, but this world runs on emotion. Naturally, he took the emotion, namely fear, from 9/11 and used it to heal another emotional scar of his own, namely his daddy complex. Daddy couldn't finish off Saddam any more than Laius could end the plague on his country, so the son has to take pop's place, set the wheels in motion and close his eyes to the consequences. And like the son of Laius, the son of George I would rather put out his eyes than see his own responsiblity for his actions.

Friday, February 20, 2004


People is weird. They act like the President is doing something wrong putting a crony on the US Court of Appeals. Like politics was a game of everybody getting along! Politics is a game of fixing the rules so's you and your friends don't just get the biggest pieces of the pie - you get the whole pie plus the ice cream on top and, if you're really good, the silverware stashed in your pockets when you get home.

Pryor being a loudmouthed true-believer of anti-everything-but-what-I-am-comfortable-believing fits nicely at the Bush banquet. You know, where they drink to trickle-down without spilling a drop. Where they feed relative values to the dogs and serve relative facts as the main course. Where ushering in a kinder, gentler era means teaching liberals they should be seen and not heard. Where Truth, Justice, and the American Way are ends that justify any means, including Lies, Inequality, and Corporate Profiteering.

This is politics as it should be. Clinton, he actually tried to appoint centrist judges, and look where it got him. Nowhere. Senator John Ashcroft was the architect of "Block that Judicial Appointment." Moderation does not balance extremism. Clinton played fair and look where that leaves us. If he had appointed a few radical lesbian feminists and some Nation of Islam activists to the Federal bench during recesses, the Senate would have buckled and let him have his moderate judges without a squeak. But your high-minded Democrats play fair so they can keep the moral high ground and lost the war of politics for the rest of us. We is stuck with Pryor and there's no drag queen on the 11th Court of Appeals to balance out his extremism.