OSCAR IS A BOY'S NAME

Women keep trying to do a man's job, but they just aren't as good at things like making movies as the boys are. Sometimes, sure, a woman achieves something great by accident, or because her father or husband is Somebody and helps her, or she's beautiful, or preferably all three. But mostly, women can't cut it. Just look at he Oscars. At the end of the show, when they brought all the winners on stage, there was this sea of tuxedos and a puddle of gowns. You can't accuse liberal lefty Hollywood of sexism. No. They would surely embrace with open arms any woman who was as good as a man. The cold truth is women are not men. A man can tell a story or run a set with cojones, but a woman has only her uterus. Acting ballsy is just that - an act. At any moment she could go vaginal, or God forbid, fallopian and the whole project could come crashing down. Millions of dollars are at stake and women are not equipped to guarantee the ejaculatory "Eureka" by themselves. They need support. I myself couldn't write this column without a whole army of men doing all the actual work, you know, taking me out to dinner, buying me jewelry, paying for the apartment, creating civilization. As long as they pay all the bills, why shouldn't they take all the credit? Fair is fair.