As we gear up for the holiday season, I figured to give you all a little heads up about what's coming in the way of your male behavior and why you should start shopping now.
Psychiatrists have noticed that men mostly get irritable and depressed this time of year, and like most of you having your Thanksgiving traumas with your family, they blame it on The Holidays. They are, of course, wrong. I just tell you this so you know you are not the only smart person to make this mistake.
If you remember what I said back on September 30 , you know that October is the annual high for testosterone and other such prostaglandins in men. These hormones give them a wonderful zest just as the leaves start turning, and romance lurks on every corner, especially around 2 in the afternoon, which is the daily high level of that horny hormone. Think of it as the high tide with the new moon.
Anyway, October, like all good things, passes and suddenly his feel-good chemicals start to go away. We girls can empathize because, what with the ebb and flow of hormones that is the glory of every female, we experience a similar sudden drop every month. The result is called PMS. We have only a teeny bit of that hair-on-your-chest stuff, so our bodies can go cold-turkey. Forty-eight hours later, we're back to our sweet, agreeable selves..
Your poor guys, their withdrawal drags out for weeks. So think of November and December as the male PMS -equivalent, only instead of three days a month, they get their whole five weeks at once. Gals, treat them as you expect to be treated on your three days, twelve times a year.
Howsomever, five or six weeks is still a long time to put up with moodiness, so The Hoidays was invented to lighten things up. Fortunately, your male is not an abstract thinker and can be distracted by beautiful packaging.
For those who doubt this, just look at the basic male visual response. A bit of blonde hair catches the light, or a ponytail goes swaying down the street, and a man forgets his name and life history in the eternal now of Her. This is why he carries identification with his name and address on it.
Or take what I call the 'Baywatch phenomenon.' No man cares if the contours he sees on the screen are biologically 'real.' They are in front of his eyes and that is enough for him. But turn off the TV, and any man worth the name knows to the depths of his objective, manly self that the pair of breasts in the bed next to him are the most beautiful in the world.
So, not being an abstract thinker, we can distract him from his misery by stringing bright, preferably blinking lights, singing perky, hopeful songs, wearing clothes with sparkles, dabbing perfume, serving tasty treats, and encouraging shopping, which dulls feelings with the frenzy of finding. That, some extra sports on the TV, a few craft projects requiring assembly, and the crisis will have passed. Soon, the testosterone will be climbing again, and he[base ']ll rise to the challenge of paying all those holiday bills like a man.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 07, 2011
EVERY WOMAN'S PURSE
My sister was visiting Lost Angeles, so naturally, we went shopping. She was looking for a purse. We went to a half dozen stores. We saw cute purses with rhinestones and puppy dogs, classy purses in leather and linen, hip purses in bright translucent floppy plastic, tote bags, shoulder bags, hand bags. A cornucopia of choices and my sister, while appreciating the style of many, had to find the perfect purse.
There are many fabulous things a girl can buy when she just wants to shop, but shoes and purses are the ne plus ultra shopping experience because they are the most personal. I already explained about women's inner-shoeness, so I don't need to go into it again. Suffice to say that inner-shoeness, like outer-toolness in a male, is about sexual play and so there's loads of fantasy involved and thusly there are many choices. A girl like I might wear three or four different pair in the course of the day. You can't have too many shoes.
Not so with purses, because a purse is a representation of how a woman feels about herself in her womb. And that don't change from one day to the next. Changes womb-wise take much longer and require much more care.
My mother's generation, the women all had those big sturdy bags that could carry a family of four and never show signs of wear. At night they'd go out with only a tiny little clutch, 'cuz dancing at the club a woman wanted to appear young and fresh, like her purse ain't never had to do no heavy lifting yet.
Today, gals is carrying those little purses all the time. And notice, a lot of 'em ain't having no kids neither. A big family now is three, maybe even four kids. And college girls, notice they don't carry no purse at all. But before you worry that we're going the way of the Shakers, notice what they are carrying - backpacks. These new backpacks are soft and rounded, kinda like a womb when it's full. Only they are carried on the back, trailing behind like an unconcsious thought, "I know I'm going to have kids some day, but I don't want to think about it right now."
This is why a man ain't never gonna carry a purse. Designers tried to sell the idea in the seventies. No such luck. Men do carry briefcases, but a briefcase is not a purse. It is a box. And most men suffer from what I like to call 'box envy."
This goes back to Freud. He thought about what a cigar represented and he didn't think about where he keeps his cigar - in a humidor, which is a box that is temperature and moisture controlled to keep it plump. And if you've ever known a man who smokes a cigar, think about the time he lavishes on his humidor, and you will see that I am right.
Cars is boxes you can get into, start the engine by sticking in a teeny-tiny little key and jiggling it, and then drive wherever you want to go, beating the other guys in their boxes. This is why most of your channel surfers are men. They take a tool, which represents their personal apertenance, that they can finger, point it at a box, and make it jump.
There are many fabulous things a girl can buy when she just wants to shop, but shoes and purses are the ne plus ultra shopping experience because they are the most personal. I already explained about women's inner-shoeness, so I don't need to go into it again. Suffice to say that inner-shoeness, like outer-toolness in a male, is about sexual play and so there's loads of fantasy involved and thusly there are many choices. A girl like I might wear three or four different pair in the course of the day. You can't have too many shoes.
Not so with purses, because a purse is a representation of how a woman feels about herself in her womb. And that don't change from one day to the next. Changes womb-wise take much longer and require much more care.
My mother's generation, the women all had those big sturdy bags that could carry a family of four and never show signs of wear. At night they'd go out with only a tiny little clutch, 'cuz dancing at the club a woman wanted to appear young and fresh, like her purse ain't never had to do no heavy lifting yet.
Today, gals is carrying those little purses all the time. And notice, a lot of 'em ain't having no kids neither. A big family now is three, maybe even four kids. And college girls, notice they don't carry no purse at all. But before you worry that we're going the way of the Shakers, notice what they are carrying - backpacks. These new backpacks are soft and rounded, kinda like a womb when it's full. Only they are carried on the back, trailing behind like an unconcsious thought, "I know I'm going to have kids some day, but I don't want to think about it right now."
This is why a man ain't never gonna carry a purse. Designers tried to sell the idea in the seventies. No such luck. Men do carry briefcases, but a briefcase is not a purse. It is a box. And most men suffer from what I like to call 'box envy."
This goes back to Freud. He thought about what a cigar represented and he didn't think about where he keeps his cigar - in a humidor, which is a box that is temperature and moisture controlled to keep it plump. And if you've ever known a man who smokes a cigar, think about the time he lavishes on his humidor, and you will see that I am right.
Cars is boxes you can get into, start the engine by sticking in a teeny-tiny little key and jiggling it, and then drive wherever you want to go, beating the other guys in their boxes. This is why most of your channel surfers are men. They take a tool, which represents their personal apertenance, that they can finger, point it at a box, and make it jump.
Monday, October 24, 2011
HALLOWEEN
Everybody keeps asking what I'm going to be for Halloween. I keep trying to come up with something. But the only person I can think of that I want to be is me. So you can come over dressed up as your fantasy self. Me, I already am.
Some people say you should dress up all ugly and scary so the ghouls and goblins will run away and go after someone else. I don't worry about that. If I can handle men who have gotten rich hoping money can buy them out of their 2nd class status in Mother Nature's plan and make them masters of the universe who don't have to pay for dinner, I can handle a measly gremlin
Some people say you should dress up all ugly and scary so the ghouls and goblins will run away and go after someone else. I don't worry about that. If I can handle men who have gotten rich hoping money can buy them out of their 2nd class status in Mother Nature's plan and make them masters of the universe who don't have to pay for dinner, I can handle a measly gremlin
Monday, October 10, 2011
BIBLE-THUMPING LIARS
Anybody who says the Bible defines marriage as something only between a man and a woman is either ignorant or a liar.
I may not be the world's greatest expert on the Bible, but I can read as good as the next girl. And sometimes I do. So let me tell all of you that the Bible don't say nowhere that marriage is between a man and a woman. Check out your King James if you don't believe me. Now, there's lots of references about marriage in the index, but they're just about divorce and adultery, not defining which marriage partners are permissible and which aren't. And some of that stuff about divorce and adultery makes me doubt that the Bible is really the word of an Almighty God and not a translation by a mean-spirited husband. But whichever way you read it, the Bible says not one place that marriage can only be between a man and a woman. No place, no where, no how. Zilch.
Me, if I was gonna bother with a law to keep people I didn't approve of from getting married, I'd put in anybody who abused a child, anybody who poisoned the environment knowingly, and everybody who drives on the shoulder because they don't like waiting in traffic with the rest of us.
I may not be the world's greatest expert on the Bible, but I can read as good as the next girl. And sometimes I do. So let me tell all of you that the Bible don't say nowhere that marriage is between a man and a woman. Check out your King James if you don't believe me. Now, there's lots of references about marriage in the index, but they're just about divorce and adultery, not defining which marriage partners are permissible and which aren't. And some of that stuff about divorce and adultery makes me doubt that the Bible is really the word of an Almighty God and not a translation by a mean-spirited husband. But whichever way you read it, the Bible says not one place that marriage can only be between a man and a woman. No place, no where, no how. Zilch.
Me, if I was gonna bother with a law to keep people I didn't approve of from getting married, I'd put in anybody who abused a child, anybody who poisoned the environment knowingly, and everybody who drives on the shoulder because they don't like waiting in traffic with the rest of us.
Friday, September 30, 2011
OCTOBER ZEST
October is the month when the testosterone levels in your males is at its yearly high. Two o'clock in the afternoon is the daily peak - kinda like a high tide at the full moon. Basically, girls, we're talking free lunches in the fall. Just smile at a guy, and he'll be panting to pick up the tab. After all, accepting food from a male is the first step in Mother Nature's mating cha-cha for most of your Animal Kingdom. Why should your human males be treated any different?
Not that after the mousse au chocolat you have to join him in some afternoon delight. No. A simple thank you will suffice. You see, by allowing him to buy you a meal, you actually are performing an act of altruism, allowing him an outlet for his natural, testosterone-driven provider urges and giving him hope, however faint, that someday he may be Waltzing Matilda with the best of the birds and the bees.
Not that after the mousse au chocolat you have to join him in some afternoon delight. No. A simple thank you will suffice. You see, by allowing him to buy you a meal, you actually are performing an act of altruism, allowing him an outlet for his natural, testosterone-driven provider urges and giving him hope, however faint, that someday he may be Waltzing Matilda with the best of the birds and the bees.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
MORE ABOUT SHOES
My philosophy of shoes is not just an abstract theory about female sexual self-expression. It has very practical applications in life.
Say, for example, there is some sexual activity a guy wants to try and he's not sure his gal will go for it. He figures he'll just mention it in the middle of sex and maybe she'll agree. Mistake. Unlike your male when aroused, before she can agree, she will have to think about it. And thinking will take her out of the sexual moment. End of session.
Asking a woman out ot the blue to experiment sexually is kind of like a woman who wants to be closer to her mate asking him out of the blue to share his feelings. Suddenly he's wary, not a condition that encourages sharing. A woman would do better to suddenly sniff the air and say, "Honey, I smell gas."
Even if you have an electric stove, he will get up and investigate. When he returns he will be able to assure you that all is well. He will feel closer to you and his feelings will find expression.
Likewise, an indirect approach with a woman's shoe-ness as your point of reference will help you get what you want more easily than a frontal attack. Go to her closet. You will see amazing pairs of shoes in there that she has never worn. They are all aspects of her sexual person, just some are less confident and don't get to go out in public. Pick a pair of shoes that looks like what you want to try. Take them to Nordstroms or Saks and ask for the shopper lady. (Your upper-scale stores will have people whose job it is to help the shopping impaired.) Tell her you need a dress that goes with the shoes, price is no object.
Go home and slip the shoes back. Hand the dress in a wrapped box to your lady and say innocently, "I saw this and I thought of you."
When she opens the box, her first thought will be, "I wonder if I have the shoes for this dress." When she goes to her closet and finds the perfect match, she will feel understood to the depths of her soul.
Take her someplace that goes with the dress and shoes. When you come home, the dress will come off, but the shoes won't.
Say, for example, there is some sexual activity a guy wants to try and he's not sure his gal will go for it. He figures he'll just mention it in the middle of sex and maybe she'll agree. Mistake. Unlike your male when aroused, before she can agree, she will have to think about it. And thinking will take her out of the sexual moment. End of session.
Asking a woman out ot the blue to experiment sexually is kind of like a woman who wants to be closer to her mate asking him out of the blue to share his feelings. Suddenly he's wary, not a condition that encourages sharing. A woman would do better to suddenly sniff the air and say, "Honey, I smell gas."
Even if you have an electric stove, he will get up and investigate. When he returns he will be able to assure you that all is well. He will feel closer to you and his feelings will find expression.
Likewise, an indirect approach with a woman's shoe-ness as your point of reference will help you get what you want more easily than a frontal attack. Go to her closet. You will see amazing pairs of shoes in there that she has never worn. They are all aspects of her sexual person, just some are less confident and don't get to go out in public. Pick a pair of shoes that looks like what you want to try. Take them to Nordstroms or Saks and ask for the shopper lady. (Your upper-scale stores will have people whose job it is to help the shopping impaired.) Tell her you need a dress that goes with the shoes, price is no object.
Go home and slip the shoes back. Hand the dress in a wrapped box to your lady and say innocently, "I saw this and I thought of you."
When she opens the box, her first thought will be, "I wonder if I have the shoes for this dress." When she goes to her closet and finds the perfect match, she will feel understood to the depths of her soul.
Take her someplace that goes with the dress and shoes. When you come home, the dress will come off, but the shoes won't.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
THINKING MALE
I was sitting in the doctor's office reading an old Psychology Today. It was that or the fishing magazine. The article talked about this guy, he's a Cambridge researcher named Simon Baron-Cohen. He studies autism and his theory says autism is just an extreme version of your basic male brain. Your male brain, he explains, is all about making systems, while your female brain is about using empathy.
Now a systemizing brain is making abstractions, and some of you might think this disproves my position that males are not abstract thinkers. And you might add that empathy is not even thinking, that it's naturally muddled because you can't really separate your feelings from the other person's. 'Separating,' you big lug, is not the point.
Empathy is purely abstract, being about something a person can never know. Your feelings as you feel them can never be felt or counted or seen by me. I must make a gestalt of compassion to even come close, but I will never ever have an objective measure to tell me if I succeeded. The fruits of empathy cannot be counted. Plotting love on a graph misses the point.
Systematizing is all about you reducing a thing or things to a size you are comfortable with and into pieces you can know. In other words, it is about making everything about you and giving you the sense that everything out there is known and possibly controlled by you. You spill a bag of M&Ms on the table and sort them into colors. Eventually, when the number of reds, yellows, and blues is predictable, you feel good because you know what to expect from your bag of candy. But even your Schroedinger figured out, with the help of his cat I might add, that you can't really know how many blues or reds you got, if any, until you open the bag.
One of the 20th Century's biggest brains, famous in the world of science and this is his Big Idea. See what I mean? I do not wish to dissuade men from trying to understand science even though they are constitutionally unfit for it. I know, I know. Men invented what they call the scientific method, but that was just to impress girls by showing that the universe is objectively knowable and therefore concrete like men are concrete and who wouldn't fall in love with a guy who was mentally, like, Mr. Universe? Aristotelian Logic to Newtonian Mechanics was the golden age, creating a basically male model of how things work.
Unfortunately, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle has revealed a definitely female bent to creation. You can't get your subatomic particles to tell you where they are and how fast they're moving at the same time, and why should they? Just asking could change the answer. At the core, creation is such a girl that no man who is stymied by such a simple question like, "What do women really want?" could possibly figure out what the universe is doing here.
Now a systemizing brain is making abstractions, and some of you might think this disproves my position that males are not abstract thinkers. And you might add that empathy is not even thinking, that it's naturally muddled because you can't really separate your feelings from the other person's. 'Separating,' you big lug, is not the point.
Empathy is purely abstract, being about something a person can never know. Your feelings as you feel them can never be felt or counted or seen by me. I must make a gestalt of compassion to even come close, but I will never ever have an objective measure to tell me if I succeeded. The fruits of empathy cannot be counted. Plotting love on a graph misses the point.
Systematizing is all about you reducing a thing or things to a size you are comfortable with and into pieces you can know. In other words, it is about making everything about you and giving you the sense that everything out there is known and possibly controlled by you. You spill a bag of M&Ms on the table and sort them into colors. Eventually, when the number of reds, yellows, and blues is predictable, you feel good because you know what to expect from your bag of candy. But even your Schroedinger figured out, with the help of his cat I might add, that you can't really know how many blues or reds you got, if any, until you open the bag.
One of the 20th Century's biggest brains, famous in the world of science and this is his Big Idea. See what I mean? I do not wish to dissuade men from trying to understand science even though they are constitutionally unfit for it. I know, I know. Men invented what they call the scientific method, but that was just to impress girls by showing that the universe is objectively knowable and therefore concrete like men are concrete and who wouldn't fall in love with a guy who was mentally, like, Mr. Universe? Aristotelian Logic to Newtonian Mechanics was the golden age, creating a basically male model of how things work.
Unfortunately, Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle has revealed a definitely female bent to creation. You can't get your subatomic particles to tell you where they are and how fast they're moving at the same time, and why should they? Just asking could change the answer. At the core, creation is such a girl that no man who is stymied by such a simple question like, "What do women really want?" could possibly figure out what the universe is doing here.
Friday, September 09, 2011
INNER-SHOE-NESS
So I bought a new pair of shoes. I took a man with me to buy them. It's a test . If he rolls his eyes and asks that question, I know he'll need a lot of training before he's an adequate sexual partner.
For what is a shoe, I ask you? You live a post-Freudian world. You know what Cinderella's slipper really was. Why should a girl at Starbucks be any different? Men have their outer-tool-ness. Girls have their inner-shoe-ness.
A girl tries out sexual ideas on her feet before she explores them more completely on her back. No one denies the tie-me-up appeal of four-inch spike heels. But every shoe on a girl is a form of sexual self-expression. If she only wears comfy shoes, she ain't going to be doing nothing kinky, though your Birkenstock crowd will engage in some earthy-squishy activities. But no costumes, please. Others, you can tell from their shoes, feel like Mae West did that "sure sex is natural, but not if you're doing it right." And it's all right there on her closet floor.
For what is a shoe, I ask you? You live a post-Freudian world. You know what Cinderella's slipper really was. Why should a girl at Starbucks be any different? Men have their outer-tool-ness. Girls have their inner-shoe-ness.
A girl tries out sexual ideas on her feet before she explores them more completely on her back. No one denies the tie-me-up appeal of four-inch spike heels. But every shoe on a girl is a form of sexual self-expression. If she only wears comfy shoes, she ain't going to be doing nothing kinky, though your Birkenstock crowd will engage in some earthy-squishy activities. But no costumes, please. Others, you can tell from their shoes, feel like Mae West did that "sure sex is natural, but not if you're doing it right." And it's all right there on her closet floor.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
THE SAFENESS OF SAMENESS
I know, I know. You missed me. I been right here, but there was a glitch with my personal software and I couldn't post nothing for a while. So I took a trip.
I visited my niece in Washington, DC, which you'd think would be so different from Lost Angeles that a girl might not want to go. I mean, here is just about perfect, so why leave the best of all possible cities for a place full of politicians and government contractors? Just look at Iraq if you want to know what they can do to a neighborhood.
Imagine my surprise when I couldn't hardly tell the difference between being here and being there. I mean, you get on an airplane and when you get off, everything is exactly like it was when you got on. The Starbucks is right across from the McDonalds. The highway is called the 95 instead of the 5, but that only means the ocean is on the opposite side from where it oughta be which you can't tell because it is too far away to actually see. They have a Westfield mall just like here with the same stores and movies. It's comforting to know a girl can travel without having to try anything new.
This is what makes America great - the safeness of sameness. Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you at the mall. You can have anything you want, and there are lots of people there to help you get it. And anybody who acts unpleasant is asked to leave.
I visited my niece in Washington, DC, which you'd think would be so different from Lost Angeles that a girl might not want to go. I mean, here is just about perfect, so why leave the best of all possible cities for a place full of politicians and government contractors? Just look at Iraq if you want to know what they can do to a neighborhood.
Imagine my surprise when I couldn't hardly tell the difference between being here and being there. I mean, you get on an airplane and when you get off, everything is exactly like it was when you got on. The Starbucks is right across from the McDonalds. The highway is called the 95 instead of the 5, but that only means the ocean is on the opposite side from where it oughta be which you can't tell because it is too far away to actually see. They have a Westfield mall just like here with the same stores and movies. It's comforting to know a girl can travel without having to try anything new.
This is what makes America great - the safeness of sameness. Nothing bad is ever going to happen to you at the mall. You can have anything you want, and there are lots of people there to help you get it. And anybody who acts unpleasant is asked to leave.
Tuesday, June 07, 2011
GRAY SKIES
So it's overcast here in Lost Angeles and no one is moving. The streets are empty. The pools are quiet. The early matinees might as well go back to bed. Nobody's gonna show up for anything before 3, and then only if they have friends visiting from out of town.
Your people from other cities with more conventional climates - you know, rain, snow, hail, hurricane - they laugh at us. But think about it. Bad weather is all low pressure systems, right? Imagine your human is like a barometer and when the mercury drops, so does the circulation. See what I'm getting at? Less blood to the brain, and more sluggish. Low pressure, low spirits. High pressure, high spirits.
This is why people who want to feel good go to the beach. Down at sea level, the pressure is heavier and the blood zips around and you feel younger than springtime and clearer about everything. Opposite-wise, your people seeking the oxygen-deprived illusion of enlightenment go to the mountains to get away from it all, "it all" being the functioning of their brains.
This has ramifications beyond mere mood. Just look at the stores. Shopping is the greatest expression of optimism and satisfaction with life that I know. Compare how many shops and boutiques and stands and stalls and malls there are at the beach compared with the mountaintops, and you get my point.
So LA, with its normally blue sky high, is just about as optimistic and rich a town as you could hope for. Bad stuff don't seem real, even when it's happening to you. This is why people here pull the covers around their ears on gray days. Not because they're afraid of the clouds of rain, but because they're afraid of the clouds of doubt.
Next time some politician wants to get some work done, don't gather people at a 'summit.' Get them together at a 'beach.' In bathing suits, sandals and big sun hats, against the relentless obliviousness of the ocean, the zippy state of their blood racing to the brain with extra oxygen will guarantee something lovely happening.
Your people from other cities with more conventional climates - you know, rain, snow, hail, hurricane - they laugh at us. But think about it. Bad weather is all low pressure systems, right? Imagine your human is like a barometer and when the mercury drops, so does the circulation. See what I'm getting at? Less blood to the brain, and more sluggish. Low pressure, low spirits. High pressure, high spirits.
This is why people who want to feel good go to the beach. Down at sea level, the pressure is heavier and the blood zips around and you feel younger than springtime and clearer about everything. Opposite-wise, your people seeking the oxygen-deprived illusion of enlightenment go to the mountains to get away from it all, "it all" being the functioning of their brains.
This has ramifications beyond mere mood. Just look at the stores. Shopping is the greatest expression of optimism and satisfaction with life that I know. Compare how many shops and boutiques and stands and stalls and malls there are at the beach compared with the mountaintops, and you get my point.
So LA, with its normally blue sky high, is just about as optimistic and rich a town as you could hope for. Bad stuff don't seem real, even when it's happening to you. This is why people here pull the covers around their ears on gray days. Not because they're afraid of the clouds of rain, but because they're afraid of the clouds of doubt.
Next time some politician wants to get some work done, don't gather people at a 'summit.' Get them together at a 'beach.' In bathing suits, sandals and big sun hats, against the relentless obliviousness of the ocean, the zippy state of their blood racing to the brain with extra oxygen will guarantee something lovely happening.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
HAIR SIGNALS
So I got my hair cut today - a trim and a poof. Hair on your female is an important indicator of her femininity quotient, the size of hair correlating directly with how important she thinks femininity is in being female.
Now there are two ways to measure feminine hair: how long and how big. Your long-hair-type girl places her value on her innocence and/or Mother-Naturalness. Don't bother her with finance and don't interfere with the raising of the children. She's not too worried about how successful you are just so long as you talk to her at least once a day. Oh, and lay off the cologne. You wearing cologne is like you driving a Hummer: major character flaw.
Your big hair shows a girl who wants all the social niceties observed and piled high on her head according to the rules as she understands them. She puts in countless hours on her personal appearance in exchange for you picking her up, picking a suitable restaurant and then, of course, picking up the tab. She labors hard and long to help her man get ahead in the world, so you better pick up your ambition and get somewhere, because her happiness depends on your providing her with the social status to which she aspires.
Now there are two ways to measure feminine hair: how long and how big. Your long-hair-type girl places her value on her innocence and/or Mother-Naturalness. Don't bother her with finance and don't interfere with the raising of the children. She's not too worried about how successful you are just so long as you talk to her at least once a day. Oh, and lay off the cologne. You wearing cologne is like you driving a Hummer: major character flaw.
Your big hair shows a girl who wants all the social niceties observed and piled high on her head according to the rules as she understands them. She puts in countless hours on her personal appearance in exchange for you picking her up, picking a suitable restaurant and then, of course, picking up the tab. She labors hard and long to help her man get ahead in the world, so you better pick up your ambition and get somewhere, because her happiness depends on your providing her with the social status to which she aspires.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
CHEAP CHINA
If you are like most Americans and want to know who to blame for the price of gas, you don't have to look any farther than your own back yard furniture.
Your Average American, like maybe you, is not rich. I hate to tell you this, but there is a reason for that. Your Average American picks Cheap over Quality every day. He and she figure that less money for stuff means more money for both of them. And they are right, in the short-sight term. But in the long-sight term, they are ruining their own standard of living even as they spend.
For examply, shopping at Wal-Mart, the world's biggest retailer, prices are lower than your corner store almost every time. Wal-Mart don't buy from places that pay union wages. Heck, Wal-Mart itself don't pay union wages. No, Wal-Mart has like 80% of its stuff coming from China. In China, workers don't need to be treated so nice or paid so well in other countries, so prices is really, REALLY cheap. So you buy dishes and lawn chairs for a steal. There's more money in your pocket. You really saved.
Then you go fill up the gas tank and gasp. The price of gas has, like, doubled. The world price for crude oil has gone higher than even the oil-company CEO's themselves want. And the experts say it ain't coming down any time soon, because China can use whatever the Saudis can pump out.
China is supplying Sam Walton's retail juggernaut, and as money gets tighter, more American people figure to save a few bucks at Wal-Mart meaning China needs more energy, which means the price of oil goes up. Never mind the question about what happens when the well-paid workers have really vanished and there's nobody to buy what China makes any more.
Your dollar when you spend it is not just about you getting the cheapest deal at this particular store. My mom taught me to shop local, even if the little shops was more expensive. She lived in a community that she helped make by keeping it alive. Not all small store owners are good and not all big chains are bad, so pay attention to the whole story. And start taking responsibility for the world you live in by putting your money where it improves that world instead of saving a dollar at the register only to pay five more at the pump and not having any choice of where to shop but Wal-Mart.
Your Average American, like maybe you, is not rich. I hate to tell you this, but there is a reason for that. Your Average American picks Cheap over Quality every day. He and she figure that less money for stuff means more money for both of them. And they are right, in the short-sight term. But in the long-sight term, they are ruining their own standard of living even as they spend.
For examply, shopping at Wal-Mart, the world's biggest retailer, prices are lower than your corner store almost every time. Wal-Mart don't buy from places that pay union wages. Heck, Wal-Mart itself don't pay union wages. No, Wal-Mart has like 80% of its stuff coming from China. In China, workers don't need to be treated so nice or paid so well in other countries, so prices is really, REALLY cheap. So you buy dishes and lawn chairs for a steal. There's more money in your pocket. You really saved.
Then you go fill up the gas tank and gasp. The price of gas has, like, doubled. The world price for crude oil has gone higher than even the oil-company CEO's themselves want. And the experts say it ain't coming down any time soon, because China can use whatever the Saudis can pump out.
China is supplying Sam Walton's retail juggernaut, and as money gets tighter, more American people figure to save a few bucks at Wal-Mart meaning China needs more energy, which means the price of oil goes up. Never mind the question about what happens when the well-paid workers have really vanished and there's nobody to buy what China makes any more.
Your dollar when you spend it is not just about you getting the cheapest deal at this particular store. My mom taught me to shop local, even if the little shops was more expensive. She lived in a community that she helped make by keeping it alive. Not all small store owners are good and not all big chains are bad, so pay attention to the whole story. And start taking responsibility for the world you live in by putting your money where it improves that world instead of saving a dollar at the register only to pay five more at the pump and not having any choice of where to shop but Wal-Mart.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO POTATO
I do not like the 'club' cards at the grocery store. For one thing, I do not like to join. I like to be joined.
Secondly, they ask for something from me, namely my personal information which they will use to collect information on my buying habits which they can then sell, in exchange for nothin'. I do not give nothin' away for nothin'.
You say, Wait! They give you discounts if you sign up for the card.
I say, Pooh! All stores give discounts. This is how they lure you in when you would otherwise frequent the grocer down the street. The discounts are no better now after the club cards than they was before. Only now they're collecting my shopping data and selling it to people who in turn put together all my other shopping data and sell that back to the stores. I do not appreciate being bought and sold, and then on top of that being told it's such a swell deal for me.
So what to do? Used to be you could just ask the clerk to run a blank club card thru the machine and you did not have to give nothin' but the money in your purse to pay for what you bought. Now they won't do that, and they get shirty if you ask your neighbor in line to run her card for you. They say you're not supposed to do that. Like I cared.
So here's what I do. I say I forgot my card, and they ask my phone number. I give the phone numbers of one of my friends who has a card. I switch it around just to be fair. I'm thinking of getting a card just so's my friends can do likewise.
Now the store's marketing data about me and my friends is all messed up. If enough people do this, it will perhaps remind stores of what they should aready know: you get what you pay for.
Secondly, they ask for something from me, namely my personal information which they will use to collect information on my buying habits which they can then sell, in exchange for nothin'. I do not give nothin' away for nothin'.
You say, Wait! They give you discounts if you sign up for the card.
I say, Pooh! All stores give discounts. This is how they lure you in when you would otherwise frequent the grocer down the street. The discounts are no better now after the club cards than they was before. Only now they're collecting my shopping data and selling it to people who in turn put together all my other shopping data and sell that back to the stores. I do not appreciate being bought and sold, and then on top of that being told it's such a swell deal for me.
So what to do? Used to be you could just ask the clerk to run a blank club card thru the machine and you did not have to give nothin' but the money in your purse to pay for what you bought. Now they won't do that, and they get shirty if you ask your neighbor in line to run her card for you. They say you're not supposed to do that. Like I cared.
So here's what I do. I say I forgot my card, and they ask my phone number. I give the phone numbers of one of my friends who has a card. I switch it around just to be fair. I'm thinking of getting a card just so's my friends can do likewise.
Now the store's marketing data about me and my friends is all messed up. If enough people do this, it will perhaps remind stores of what they should aready know: you get what you pay for.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The Fox and the White House
Everybody's talking like the President is attacking Fox News, when all the White House spokeslady said was that until Fox starts acting like grownup news professionals the Pres is not going to treat them like it just because they own a lot of stations. My nine-year-old nephew is a pro at computer race car driving, but I ain't giving him the keys to the Caddy.
The other networks, they're not really worried about Fox . What the White House said was the plain truth. And that's the problem right there: it was the truth. From the White House no less. What's gonna happen in American politics if your elected officials start telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Reporters won't have anything to do but report. Where's the ratings in that?
To me, honesty is a great moral issue that has guided my life. I don't think you should have to pretend somebody else is what they're not unless you're getting a diamond bracelet or a new car out of it. If there's no incentive, or you do it out of fear, it's creepy. Oh, you're so smart to a boss who's a stupid jerk just so's you won't get fired. Yuck. Oh, you're so considerate to a co-worker who spreads lies about people she don't like. Icky yuck. I don't want my President doing that. I don't mind him flattering a little to get Russia to sell Iran non-bomb nuclear stuff so the ayatollahs got no excuse to keep enriching uranium. Keeping nuclear bombs out of Iran is worth a little ick in the truth department.
But the idea that everybody deserves to be treated like a real newscaster just cuz they say so is how Bush ended up with a male prostitute being a key member of the previous White House Press Corps. Gannon had no press credentials. How do you think he got in? The other news networks are more up in arms about the statements about Fox than they were about a prostitute newsman. Is it because they're too much the same thing?
The other networks, they're not really worried about Fox . What the White House said was the plain truth. And that's the problem right there: it was the truth. From the White House no less. What's gonna happen in American politics if your elected officials start telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Reporters won't have anything to do but report. Where's the ratings in that?
To me, honesty is a great moral issue that has guided my life. I don't think you should have to pretend somebody else is what they're not unless you're getting a diamond bracelet or a new car out of it. If there's no incentive, or you do it out of fear, it's creepy. Oh, you're so smart to a boss who's a stupid jerk just so's you won't get fired. Yuck. Oh, you're so considerate to a co-worker who spreads lies about people she don't like. Icky yuck. I don't want my President doing that. I don't mind him flattering a little to get Russia to sell Iran non-bomb nuclear stuff so the ayatollahs got no excuse to keep enriching uranium. Keeping nuclear bombs out of Iran is worth a little ick in the truth department.
But the idea that everybody deserves to be treated like a real newscaster just cuz they say so is how Bush ended up with a male prostitute being a key member of the previous White House Press Corps. Gannon had no press credentials. How do you think he got in? The other news networks are more up in arms about the statements about Fox than they were about a prostitute newsman. Is it because they're too much the same thing?
Monday, October 19, 2009
BROADCAST WAKE-UP CALL
Listening to complaints about your Air America Radio and your MSNBC, it sounds like people think it's just embarrassing for cultured, open-minded people to be so ... so direct. Nobody's making nice and your middle-class types want nice, you know, in that middle-of-the road nice way. The fundamentalist right wing, they love their loud talk radio and tv because that means they only hear their songs of right and wrong, and being right is the whole point. It's even safe for them to talk about Jesus while they attack the nicey-nice liberals because everybody knows that nobody is really that nice unless they are Mother Teresa and then they'd be in Calcutta and staying out of the Republicans' way in the first place.
So now you got liberal talk radio that's talking smack about them lyin' cheatin' low-down varmints in Congress and they are putting those loud liberals on the tv and even the President pointing out how some new reporting is not respectable so don't expect the Pres to lie down with the dogs, and what can the poor Republicans do? If liberals stop being namby-pamby, it could change the face of America's politics. It changed the face of America's President.
So now you got liberal talk radio that's talking smack about them lyin' cheatin' low-down varmints in Congress and they are putting those loud liberals on the tv and even the President pointing out how some new reporting is not respectable so don't expect the Pres to lie down with the dogs, and what can the poor Republicans do? If liberals stop being namby-pamby, it could change the face of America's politics. It changed the face of America's President.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
DNA MATTERS
How can it still be news that men are simple? This is why we love them. If I want complex, I go visit my mother.
Studies every day come up that shows men's chromosomal lacks when compared to the female. (here and here ). It's fine that science is proving our superiority, but it's always bad taste to be both better than someone else and to brag about it. Hopefully, though, your average male, will not notice. Only your handful of very verbal males who chose the hotbed of language will notice, though they will be the ones who write about it. The rest, like Lawrence Summers has pointed out, are so crowding the maths and sciences with their linear simplicity and lack of nuance that there is little room for women who have a talent for numbers. Pity Larry for describing it as women's lack. It's like saying a humans are not as good as dogs at seeing things in black and white. Your dog doesn't have the brain for understanding fuschia, much less creating an academic discipline in design that would include it. So they do their lovely line drawings and even sumi-e paintings. And women, who get tired of suggesting that maybe a little green would be make the grass nicer and getting that blank or dismissive look, find a field where the palette is richer.
Studies every day come up that shows men's chromosomal lacks when compared to the female. (here and here ). It's fine that science is proving our superiority, but it's always bad taste to be both better than someone else and to brag about it. Hopefully, though, your average male, will not notice. Only your handful of very verbal males who chose the hotbed of language will notice, though they will be the ones who write about it. The rest, like Lawrence Summers has pointed out, are so crowding the maths and sciences with their linear simplicity and lack of nuance that there is little room for women who have a talent for numbers. Pity Larry for describing it as women's lack. It's like saying a humans are not as good as dogs at seeing things in black and white. Your dog doesn't have the brain for understanding fuschia, much less creating an academic discipline in design that would include it. So they do their lovely line drawings and even sumi-e paintings. And women, who get tired of suggesting that maybe a little green would be make the grass nicer and getting that blank or dismissive look, find a field where the palette is richer.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
JUST SAY NO
Blanche is my dog. She's a puppy and wants all the big grown-up boy dogs to like her. So she goes and wags her tail and licks them and they growl and tell her in so many doggie ways that she's a pest and to get lost. The guy dogs are busy knocking each other around to see who is the top dog, getting ready for the day when a female in season blows by. Now, this is not likely to happen at an LA dog park, where most of the dogs are fixed and the seasons never change. But dogs are the quintessence of faithfulness, and their faith is no more swayed by science than any other true believer's. If you hump it, you will come.
Blanche, in a natural dog universe, would find herself one day the center of that universe, her season having arrived. Suddenly the big boy dogs would be lining up for her attention. And such is Mother Nature's sense of humor, that Blanche would now view her suitors as pests, at least for a while. She would snap and reject them until she was good and ready, and only then go for a dog of her preference, established pecking order notwithstanding. She wouldn't need to earn her status as the Most Important Dog in the Park. Nature would give it to her free, twice a year. Status comes as a part of her sex.
Now, what made us humans not be animals any more is that us females stopped going into heat so we no longer had a biological need to say yes to the males, so if they wanted to get laid they had to actually please us. Give us presents. Build us houses. And pretty soon you got the Taj Mahal and Faberge Eggs. What is civilization but a large plan to decide who gets access to the most beautiful women?
But some women only get the first part where Blanche is now, the puppy stage, where the boys interested in establishing rank are not interested in her, because no matter what she does, she can not confer rank. Some women get all hurt and confused by this, wanting to compete for rank with the men instead of remembering she is the point of rank and to rise above it. And to remind men of why they strive.
This is why women have a duty to civilization to say no to men more often than they say yes. Make him have to work harder to get that yes. When he complains that taxes are killing him and regulations have stripped his profits and couldn't you just love him for himself, just knit your brow and explain you have a headache. Soon, like 3M did after the Clean Air act was passed, he'll find a way to turn a profit from those regulations, and be showing up at your door with a pearl and ruby brooch to swoon over. He just needed a little incentive, and that's you saying no. Don't do it for your own selfish needs. Do it for civilization.
Blanche, in a natural dog universe, would find herself one day the center of that universe, her season having arrived. Suddenly the big boy dogs would be lining up for her attention. And such is Mother Nature's sense of humor, that Blanche would now view her suitors as pests, at least for a while. She would snap and reject them until she was good and ready, and only then go for a dog of her preference, established pecking order notwithstanding. She wouldn't need to earn her status as the Most Important Dog in the Park. Nature would give it to her free, twice a year. Status comes as a part of her sex.
Now, what made us humans not be animals any more is that us females stopped going into heat so we no longer had a biological need to say yes to the males, so if they wanted to get laid they had to actually please us. Give us presents. Build us houses. And pretty soon you got the Taj Mahal and Faberge Eggs. What is civilization but a large plan to decide who gets access to the most beautiful women?
But some women only get the first part where Blanche is now, the puppy stage, where the boys interested in establishing rank are not interested in her, because no matter what she does, she can not confer rank. Some women get all hurt and confused by this, wanting to compete for rank with the men instead of remembering she is the point of rank and to rise above it. And to remind men of why they strive.
This is why women have a duty to civilization to say no to men more often than they say yes. Make him have to work harder to get that yes. When he complains that taxes are killing him and regulations have stripped his profits and couldn't you just love him for himself, just knit your brow and explain you have a headache. Soon, like 3M did after the Clean Air act was passed, he'll find a way to turn a profit from those regulations, and be showing up at your door with a pearl and ruby brooch to swoon over. He just needed a little incentive, and that's you saying no. Don't do it for your own selfish needs. Do it for civilization.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
INTERCONNECTIVITY (strikes)
My dad used to say "everything is interconnected." It's a fun way of going about your day, trying to figure out, say, how the dog playing with the squeaky toy is related to something that's no fun at all like, oh, health care legislation that everybody is screaming about.
The Dog and the Squeaky Toy: Blanche, my dog, pounces ferociously on a stuffed ball with a squeaker inside, then chomps it repeatedly while shaking her head furiously. After a minute or two of shaking and squeaking, she tosses it aside and pounces again. For all that it's cute (or annoying if you are sensitive to noise), the squeak represents what would be in the wild some bunny or mouse she was killing. Ah! the joys of being a predator, even if it's pretend.
Now some prey is helpless, like a mouse. And some, like your wildebeast in Africa, is not helpless so long as it is in a herd. If your lion attacked the whole herd, the alpha male members along with a mother or two protecting her child will kill the lion.
Okay. Now, say the predator is Management and the herd is The Workers and if they can keep things in ecological balance, both of sides thrive. But a little drought or economic downturn, and the imbalance might not stop until there's mass starvation on one side or the other - worldwide depression or massive walkouts and strikes.
So when you got Wall Street and bailouts and bankruptcies everywhere, even I can see it means something is out of whack in the ecological balance of management and worker. The employers are all saying they can't afford the rising cost of health insurance which they, not the workers negotiate, and that workers will have to shoulder a bigger share of the financial burden. But I say look at the balance sheets.
The wealthy in America are getting richer every day, even with all the financial fiascos of the last few years. The wealth of the wealthy is rising and the herd of workers is getting irked that the lions want to come right in the middle and devour the heart of the herd instead of culling the weak. This is not going down so good with the workers, and hence strikes all over the place. All the talk about rising health costs is a blind for the real battle of predator and prey.
The Dog and the Squeaky Toy: Blanche, my dog, pounces ferociously on a stuffed ball with a squeaker inside, then chomps it repeatedly while shaking her head furiously. After a minute or two of shaking and squeaking, she tosses it aside and pounces again. For all that it's cute (or annoying if you are sensitive to noise), the squeak represents what would be in the wild some bunny or mouse she was killing. Ah! the joys of being a predator, even if it's pretend.
Now some prey is helpless, like a mouse. And some, like your wildebeast in Africa, is not helpless so long as it is in a herd. If your lion attacked the whole herd, the alpha male members along with a mother or two protecting her child will kill the lion.
Okay. Now, say the predator is Management and the herd is The Workers and if they can keep things in ecological balance, both of sides thrive. But a little drought or economic downturn, and the imbalance might not stop until there's mass starvation on one side or the other - worldwide depression or massive walkouts and strikes.
So when you got Wall Street and bailouts and bankruptcies everywhere, even I can see it means something is out of whack in the ecological balance of management and worker. The employers are all saying they can't afford the rising cost of health insurance which they, not the workers negotiate, and that workers will have to shoulder a bigger share of the financial burden. But I say look at the balance sheets.
The wealthy in America are getting richer every day, even with all the financial fiascos of the last few years. The wealth of the wealthy is rising and the herd of workers is getting irked that the lions want to come right in the middle and devour the heart of the herd instead of culling the weak. This is not going down so good with the workers, and hence strikes all over the place. All the talk about rising health costs is a blind for the real battle of predator and prey.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
OSCAR IS A BOY'S NAME
Women keep trying to do a man's job, but they just aren't as good at things like making movies as the boys are. Sometimes, sure, a woman achieves something great by accident, or because her father or husband is Somebody and helps her, or she's beautiful, or preferably all three. But mostly, women can't cut it. Just look at he Oscars. At the end of the show, when they brought all the winners on stage, there was this sea of tuxedos and a puddle of gowns. You can't accuse liberal lefty Hollywood of sexism. No. They would surely embrace with open arms any woman who was as good as a man. The cold truth is women are not men. A man can tell a story or run a set with cojones, but a woman has only her uterus. Acting ballsy is just that - an act. At any moment she could go vaginal, or God forbid, fallopian and the whole project could come crashing down. Millions of dollars are at stake and women are not equipped to guarantee the ejaculatory "Eureka" by themselves. They need support. I myself couldn't write this column without a whole army of men doing all the actual work, you know, taking me out to dinner, buying me jewelry, paying for the apartment, creating civilization. As long as they pay all the bills, why shouldn't they take all the credit? Fair is fair.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
LIFE IMITATES TV
People keep complaining about reality television being a blot on the airwaves like the airwaves was invented for prime time instead of the other way around.
Now I enjoy my fiction as much as the next girl, and so try to catch the news as often as possible. Used to be news was reality, but not any more. Now the entire half-hour or hour is scripted like a sit-com, with just the details changing from episode to episode, but the content is decided by market research. Need a shooting here. A danger to consumers there. Canned. Soporific.
Enter reality programs, which can surprise you when you least expect it. Even on Survivor and American Idol, the final outcome is unknown. We humans is endlessly curious about other humans, what they will do, and how they will react. Reality TV gives us a window on a world of folk beyond our small circle of family, friends, and co-workers.
Plus, a lot of these shows is truly improving to your average human's life. Take Clean Sweep on the Home Channel. I have more than one friend who has started carting off carloads to the thrift store after watching a few episodes. And the Queer Eye show's intstructions to hopeless males gives a backdrop for some girls to point out a few fine points about behavior to the guy sitting on the couch next to her eating sunflower seeds and spitting the shells on the floor.
Actually, these two shows have provided a kind of couple's therapy for one duo I know. This week's hapless swain is so much worse than her guy, my friend can point and they can both laugh. But inside he's learning. And then the sweep people bring their broom to a closet worse than hers and he can pat her hand and promise her they will be happier in the end. And they are.
More importantly, while seeming to deal with externals, my friends actually learn about how to be better to each other. He puts out more effort just to make her happy, and she lets go of baggage that she has been saving just in case. And life imitates television.
Now I enjoy my fiction as much as the next girl, and so try to catch the news as often as possible. Used to be news was reality, but not any more. Now the entire half-hour or hour is scripted like a sit-com, with just the details changing from episode to episode, but the content is decided by market research. Need a shooting here. A danger to consumers there. Canned. Soporific.
Enter reality programs, which can surprise you when you least expect it. Even on Survivor and American Idol, the final outcome is unknown. We humans is endlessly curious about other humans, what they will do, and how they will react. Reality TV gives us a window on a world of folk beyond our small circle of family, friends, and co-workers.
Plus, a lot of these shows is truly improving to your average human's life. Take Clean Sweep on the Home Channel. I have more than one friend who has started carting off carloads to the thrift store after watching a few episodes. And the Queer Eye show's intstructions to hopeless males gives a backdrop for some girls to point out a few fine points about behavior to the guy sitting on the couch next to her eating sunflower seeds and spitting the shells on the floor.
Actually, these two shows have provided a kind of couple's therapy for one duo I know. This week's hapless swain is so much worse than her guy, my friend can point and they can both laugh. But inside he's learning. And then the sweep people bring their broom to a closet worse than hers and he can pat her hand and promise her they will be happier in the end. And they are.
More importantly, while seeming to deal with externals, my friends actually learn about how to be better to each other. He puts out more effort just to make her happy, and she lets go of baggage that she has been saving just in case. And life imitates television.
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